i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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