How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
