peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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