I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
