I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
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Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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