T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
why do cheetos always look like penises
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
