I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
