Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
