I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
