I'm lost and stupid without you.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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