If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
