i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
