lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
