when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
