Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
