I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
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oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
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I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.