No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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