Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Everclear isn't food dammit
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
