I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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