my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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