Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We have started to decorate penises.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
