i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night