I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
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Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
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I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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