im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
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I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
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He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.