He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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