if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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