I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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