would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
