I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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