Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
