i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
