so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
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She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
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I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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