so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I just found a bag of teeth...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I touched a dick in church today
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
