batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
