my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i would punch a child for taco bell
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
my being single is dangerous.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
