i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
