I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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