I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
