haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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