This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
