I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
