Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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