watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
