for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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