Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
