I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
