Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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