Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
