I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
