I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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