i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
