Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
