I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize