dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
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He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
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Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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