I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
NoShamevember. You game?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Randomize
