so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
