so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
