The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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